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SPAMtastic.
CHAPTER I
Greetings brothers and sisters of the SPAM. Gather ‘round, Chopper’s gonna tell ya’ll a little story…..
For those of you who don’t know me…my name is Edward Helicopter “Chopper” Jones, Esquire. I am a simple anglo negro man of asian decent, who at one time lived an ordinary life, in an ordinary town in the Pacific east coast region of the desert southwest. I had a thriving business as a "flaxseed oil" and vitamin B12 distributor to hundreds of professional athletes and trainers. Because my "flaxseed oil" sold for hundreds of dollars per application I was blessed enough to own a house on a mountainside overlooking the city, and in the evenings I’d eat a delicious dinner on the deck and then relax and watch the sunset while sipping a tail and fondling myself. Life, as I knew it, was as complete as it could get.
Then, suddenly, in late February of 2003 my life changed forever. While in the grocery store picking up some milk, eggs, nose hair clippers, my daily fifth of Jack Daniels, a Low Rider magazine, and $150 in Powerball tickets I turned down the potted meat aisle, not realizing the magnitude of this seemingly meaningless event. As I approached the now magical oblong blue cans of hydrogenated heaven I heard a faint voice calling my name—“Chopper…Chopper”-- the SPAM spoke, and my life has never been the same.
SPAM. Four little letters that stand for oh so much. Spurs Peak After March.
At the time, the Spurs and their fans had witnessed the Lakers reel off three straight championships, and the memory of the ’99 le seemed like a distant memory to many. The Spurs were playing only marginal basketball as seemingly happens each year from December to February. And, as happens each year from December to February cries of “fire Pop!” and “make an f’in trade!” and “headbands…more headbands!!” and “Let’s sacrifice another virgin to the basketball gods!” rang out in the forum. I obviously took exception to the whole “headband” idea, but despite my loyalty to the Spurs organization the other ideas were really beginning to make a lot of sense.
Then, I encountered the SPAM, and it told me that everything was going to be alright. That the Spurs would go on that year and win the le and that the Laker run was over. It then instructed me to take my message to the masses and proclaim it to anyone that would listen. And, thankfully many did. The chaos subsided. T Park who was on the alter as the fourth spring sacrifice, had his life spared…SPAMMEN!
Then, when the Spurs went on to win the le in 2003 the prophecy was fulfilled and SPAM became a synonymous with the Spurs ability to ‘flip the switch’ beginning in March and ride it all the way to the le. I was thrilled…the SPAM was real!! The SPAM IS REAL!!
At the end of my SPAM Pilgrimage 2007, those of you who can recall back (or do a thread search) might remember I was visited by a bald black man wearing an overcoat, and he offered me two pills…a red pill and a blue pill. I accidentally mistook him for a SPAMdamn Cuban, however, and shot him in the face with my BB gun. Then, after getting summarily pummeled, I never did receive the message he came to deliver. Then I woke up in a mental health facility with my case worker telling me “welcome to the real world, Chopper.”
“Real world. Real world.” I scoffed. “I’ve been living in the real world, beotch, and it’s made of delectable meat by-product!” After this proclamation I jumped up and jetted for the exit. Luckily for me they don’t make the security guards at mental health facilities quite like they used to. Also lucky for me is the fact that thanks to the combination of my all SPAM diet along with applying leftover "flaxseed oil" to my testicles and taking the vitamin B12 injections for the past five years I’m now a 6’3”, 400 pound SPAM machine with a size 17 hat and testicles that glow in the dark. Some people think that might make me look a little strange but I’ve been told I wear it well.
So…after bowling over the two very frightened security guards I ran into the arroyos near the hospital. From living as one with nature the last couple of years I’ve come to know the landscape by heart and had no trouble alluding the authorities since last year.
I laid low (as low as a 400 pound man with a ginormous melon can go) for a couple of months in my underground bunker until the heat was off. Fortunately for me back in 2004 I cashed in my 401K and built a small underground bunker in the New Mexico desert where I stored only the essentials that I would need to survive, namely 500,000 cans of SPAM, 200,000 bottles of Jack Daniels, 600 gallons of "flaxseed oil" and vitamin B12, 10 years of back issues of Black Juggs, Red Hot Botts, Oui, High Society, Panty Play and Over 40 magazines, every televised Spurs game on CD since 1976, a full-sized basketball court with two dozen new basketballs, and 3 gallons of water. When I built the bunker I figured that I could last there for at least 7 or 8 months should “D” day (otherwise known as Dallas winning an NBA championship) ever occur. I always figured that after 8 months or so it would be ok to return to the surface as most of the fallout surrounding Mark Cuban’s giant ego exploding would have subsided. (Please don’t quote me on the half life of Mark Cuban’s ego.)
When I felt it was safe to leave my Spurs SPAM sanctuary I set off in search of the man in the overcoat, the man who seemed to know a something about the SPAM.
For six months I searched for this man. Following the manhunt example set by my childhood hero, OJ Simpson, I started golfing at every course from California to the state of Florida searching for the man in the overcoat. I encountered several friends and acquaintances on the various courses and at opportune times I would search their wallets and blackberry devices looking for important phone numbers and also looking for information about the man in the black overcoat. Amazingly I was able to fund my entire search simply by the generous, albeit unknowing, donations made by my golfing partners. But unfortunately, no man in an overcoat was found.
Then one day I heard that OJ was no longer content to search for the real killers only on golf courses and had expanded his own search to a sports memorabilia show in Las Vegas, and had even made some new friends while he was there. OJ is so smart, I thought. That totally makes sense. So I began visiting every sports card and autograph show I could find. Surely I'd find the man in the long overcoat at one of these shows…and luckily for me, I did.
CHAPTER II
November 27, 2007. The Hoop Hall Experience autograph signing in Atlanta, Georgia. Sitting at a table with David Thompson and Walt Bellamy I saw him. As I drew closer I recognized the man who had visited me in my Spamshackle shack. The man who offered me a chance to see the world as it truly exists. Suddenly it hit me like a lightning bolt that the man who entered my cabin that cold rainy night in March, the man who I mistook for a Cuban and shot in the face, was none other than the Iceman himself, George Gervin.
My mind was racing…Can it be?!! Can it be?!! Why didn’t I recognize him that night?!! Well, it was dark, rainy, the shack has no electricity, and I was high on SPAM and Jack Daniels. Anything’s possible I suppose…but there’s no doubt that’s the man that visited me that evening!
He was sitting at a long table signing autographs for fans. I approached him cautiously. I knew others were within earshot so I didn’t want to say anything to alert the others as to anything out of the ordinary. I thought I’d be casual, just any other fan. Nothing unusual. Nothing weird……
“I like SPAM!” I said at last.
“Ok. That’s…that’s great young fella,” he responded coolly, flashing that famous smile of his. “Would you like an autograph?”
Still trying to stay incon uous I added “SPAM tastes really, really, REALLY good!”
“Great” George responded.
“Spurs Peak After March!” I blurted out, my eyes darting away from Gervin to Thompson to Bellamy to see if either of them were on to me.
“Heh, heh. Of course they do, son” he said calmly. “Now, do you have something for me to sign?”
Luckily I always carry around a duffel bag with half a dozen basketballs and so I pulled them out. He penned “George Gervin Ice” on each ball as smoothly as he used to shoot a jump shot.
When he was done signing I continued to stand there looking for him to give me some sort of a sign of recognition. Something. Anything.
But he just sat there smiling back at me. The awkward silence seemed to last for hours until he finally said “Well, there are a lot of other folks waiting to say hi to me. I sure hope you enjoy the rest of the show.”
The line of autograph seekers behind me pushed me along and suddenly I found myself standing several feet past where Ice was sitting. Realizing my opportunity to speak with him was soon to be lost, and not knowing if I’d ever get this chance again I shouted out “I shot you in the face!” “I shot you in the face!” “Don’t you remember when you visited me in my shack?” “You told me you’d show me the world!” “I SHOT YOU IN THE FACE AND THEN YOU PUMMELLED ME ON MY BED!!!” “DON’T YOU REMEMBER?!!!” “DON’T YOU REMEMBER PUMMELLING ME ON MY BED?!!!” “SPAM!!!” “SPAM!!!” “SPAAAAMMMM!!!” “SPA…………………..”
I never actually saw David Thompson hit me over the head with George’s scoring le plaque from the ’77-’78 season, but when I woke up an hour or so later outside the exhibit hall the metal plate in the side of my head now read “27.22 points per game”. SPAMDAMN that hurt!
Dejected, I took a short walk and sat out on a curbside a couple of blocks from the building, not sure what I was going to do next. Since I had last seen George Gervin that night in my shack back in March the SPAM wasn’t speaking to me much anymore. Even though I tried to get messages from which to guide my life, everything seemed to come out in a gurgled murmur. Perhaps that red pill I took that night had messed up my receptors, who knows? Now, the man who came to visit me appeared to think I was crazy just like society did. Maybe I was delusional. Maybe the SPAM wasn’t real. The thought had never even crossed my mind before.
Was this all a waste? Was the SPAM speaking to me just a convenient coincidence? Did it just accidentally happened to coincide with the best five year stretch in the history of Spurs basketball? Was SPAM nothing more than a delicious luncheon meat and trillions of annoying electronic mail messages, or was it something more…something real and not imaginary like those other two things? I laughed, nervously.
For the first time in five years the thought crossed my mind that perhaps I had made it all up. Just a great big fabricated story. Maybe I was nothing more than a 400 pound man with a size 17 hat, glowing testicles, and the words “27.22 points per game” indented into the side of my head. Maybe I wasn’t the messenger for the SPAM. I pulled a bottle of “flaxseed oil” out of my pocket, squeezed a little out onto my hand and reached in my pants and to apply today's dosage as I pondered such a possibility.
Just then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I lifted my gaze from the gutter in front of me, put down the flaxseed oil and turned around to see a tall man in a long overcoat looking down at me.
“Chopper. I think we need to have a little talk”.
CHAPTER III
“You know who I am?” I asked, somewhat surprised.
“I know who you are, Chopper” said the Iceman “but do you know who I am?”
“You’re the Iceman, George Gervin, NBA legend” I said.
“But do you know who I really am?”
I shrugged my shoulders and pulled my hand out of my pants.
“Young fella, let me tell you a little story. Now, this might be a little difficult to comprehend, but know that what I’m about to tell you is the truth, as bizarre as it all might sound. What if I was to tell you that I am actually one of the last remaining former residents of the planet SPAMTOPIA and that our world was destroyed by the effects of a giant comet that strayed too close to our planet and destroyed our atmosphere. Only a handful of us survived. We knew about the earth from others of us who had visited here over the years and so I came here to live and try to preserve my race by producing offspring that are half Spamtopian and half human.”
“Our entire society was based on something very similar to what you all know today as the game of basketball. One of my ancestors introduced the game to the ancient Mayans around 4,000 years ago. Another visitor from my home planet re-introduced the game to Dr. James Naismith who called it “basketball”. The true name is somewhat difficult to pronounce in earthly languages but for you I’ll give it a shot.” Then putting his lips together in an “O” shape, he mouthed the word “Hoops.” He then paused to genuflect.
“Well you’re pretty good at the game” I offered lamely.
“You had to be where I’m from.” George said. “Every conflict in our world was settled on the court. There were no negotiations, no mediations, and no courts of law. If something needed to be settled you settled it on the hardwood. You called upon the power of the SPAM to help guide you, and those who could channel the most SPAM would always have the advantage.”
“SPAM?!!” “Spurs Peak After March?” “That was the driving force in your world?” I asked.
“Superior Players Affirm Me.” George said.
“Whoa.”
“Whoa indeed. Have you ever noticed that despite four les the Spurs players stay humble, have never developed a swagger, never operate with bravado and brashness, yet always seem confident and sure of themselves?”
“Sure I do” I responded.
“They know that there’s a force out there bigger than them, son. They know the SPAM exists even if others choose to ignore or deny it. They also know they draw their power from this spiritual force and they acknowledge and channel it and it fills them with peace. That’s why they stay grounded and they give credit where credit is due. They’re a TEAM, something you don’t see in this world much anymore. That’s what makes them so special.”
He continued. “You see, five members of the team are actually half human, half Spamtopian. Others on the team have had certain secrets of the SPAM revealed to them and feed off the energy emitted by the five.”
“So those are your sons?”
“Well…mostly, yes.”
“Tim and Manu?”
“Yep. Both my boys” said George smiling.
“Tony…and who else?” I asked.
“Bruce, of course” said George. I’m not all about offense. Had I chosen to seriously play defense while in the league everyone would have realized I was from another planet. It goes back to that whole humility thing I mentioned earlier.”
“But you said there are five sons of Spamtopia on the team.” I said.
“Robert’s not actually my son” said George. “He was Wilt’s.”
“Wilt was from Spamtopia?!” I exclaimed.
“As far as we know, Wilt and I were the only Spamtopians that made it here after our world was destroyed. Wilt did a fairly good job keeping his older kids together on those old Lakers teams and was pretty good at teaching them the way of the SPAM. But when Wilt got a little older…well, you know when you sleep with 10,000 women it gets a little hard to keep track of ‘em all I suppose.”
“Wow! Ice, what about Bill Russell? Was he Spamtopian? He has ten NBA les for SPAMsakes.”
“We think Bill is a decendent of an earlier Spamtopian visitor to earth, but what really helped Bill in Boston were the leprechauns.”
“The leprechauns??!!” I exclaimed.
“I’m just fvckin’ with you, you gullible bas !” Then George laughed a hearty laugh.
I turned red but pressed on. “So do you know if there are any more decedents of Spamtopia out there?”
“Well, MJ is definitely Wilt’s and we’re fairly certain Kobe and Shaq were too. Wilt spent a lot of his later years in Ohio so it’s a fair bet that that young kiddo in Cleveland belongs to him too. KG, and guys like Pippen, Malone, Stockton and several others are decendents of ancient Spamtopian visitors here…mostly human, but the Spamtopian gene is still in them a little bit. But then there’s David…well, let me explain the situation regarding David…”
Just then a car drove by and backfired loudly several times, startling both of us causing us to lose focus for a minute.
“Well, everything you said, all of it…it all makes perfect sense” I said. “Every single Spamtopian word.”
“Somehow” George grinned “I knew you’d see it that way.”
Then George went to the heart of the matter. “Chopper, since all my boys have finally gotten together they’ve managed to win 3 of the last 5 NBA les. This is the only team left in basketball with more than one player who’s half Spamtopian. These even-numbered year losses have been by design you see. I’ve tried my best to keep them humble. I saw how Wilt’s kids turned out, with the exception of Robert of course, and I don’t want the ego destroying my boys’ great gifts. Even Spamtopians aren’t immune from the ego. But I now feel they are strong enough in their being that too much success will not ruin them. I feel they are ready to win back to back championships. I always asked them to hold back in those even numbered years. You don’t know how hard it was for Manu to foul Dirk in 2006 like he did, but it was a given that even with a free lane Dirk would choke and miss it at the end. You see, Nowitzki is actually a Choker from Chokertopia, but that’s a story for another day. This will be the year that the Spurs dynasty is solidified. It’s the perfect time. Never in the history of the league has it the play been this strong amongst so many contenders. This is the year that the Spurs win their back-to-back les. There’s finally enough talent in this league that I might just have to let the boys play their game and show the world what they’ve got.”
“SPAMMEN” I said, elated. “And George, why do I hear the SPAM? Why me? Am I…am…am I your son???”
“Aww no!!” and then the Iceman let out another hearty laugh. From the delivery in his response I thought that I detected that perhaps Will Smith might be his son too.
“Look at you” George exclaimed. “You’re a SPAMdamn nutcase who gave up his job, eats SPAM twelve times a day, runs the streets either naked and/or drunk and has testicles that glow in the dark. What on Spamtopia would make you think that you’re my son? If there was a planet Dumbass that blew up 40 years ago I’d bet my finger rolling abilities that you likely could have been from there.”
“Uh, yeah, thanks. A simple NO would have been fine” I murmured dejectedly.
He continued “For some reason, you’re privy to the secrets of the SPAM. SPAM only knows why. Why do dogs here sounds people can’t? You’re tuned in while most others are not. You and Gregg Popovich are the only confirmed humans with the gift. He’s not really CIA, he just listens to the insights from the SPAM as you do, except he’s parlayed his gift into a multimillion dollar occupation while you’re homeless, you gave up all that you had, and you’re living in a blue tin shack by the river.”
“But I seriously doubt he is as happy as I am” I stated proudly.
George squinted a bit, and just looked at me with a pitying blank look, sighed and slowly shook his head. I paused and remembered my dad giving me that same loving look back in the day.
“Can I continue to tell my fellow members of SPAMnation at Spurstalk what you and the SPAM have told me?” I asked.
“Whatever floats your boat I suppose” George said. “People will believe what they choose to believe, and there will always be doubters”
“But what I really want you to do is pull yourself together and get your life back on track. Quit being a SPAMdamn SPAM ! By this time next year I want you to show me something you’ve done that’s great…something real…honor the SPAM by being a superior player. It’s in you son. You choose the game.”
Then he gave me a pat on the back. The can of SPAM in my jacket pocket hummed a little bit.
“Anyway” he added. “There are others out there that have the SPAM inside them. There are others that know the truth. You might just want to seek them out. You never know what SPAMgifts they might possess. It could be an interesting team you create. They post among you, and from time to time they’ll give you a subtle hint that they know the secret, a single word perhaps…something to let you know that they know. Not all of the decendents of Spamtopia play ball in the NBA you know.”
And then, he gave me a quick wink and uttered a single word that I’ll never forget:
“Believe.”
* cue the final song from The Matrix that I meant to look up and name here but forgot about until just now *
Last edited by Ed Helicopter Jones; 04-09-2010 at 02:35 PM.
SPAMtastic.
“Superior Players Affirm Me.”
Brilliant. Just ing brilliant.
"You see, Nowitzki is actually a Choker from Chokertopia, but that’s a story for another day."
It's a masterpiece Chopper.
Thank you for letting us that believe know that we're onto something.
That what we feel deep inside is real.
I believe in the Spurs.
I believe in Duncan.
I believe in SPAM.
I believe in SpursTalk.
I believe in Chopper.
It's on.
Bring it.
The repeat is happening.
Will we get to hear the story of "Nowitzki the Choker from Chokertopia" any time soon or will we have to wait until next year?
Damn Chopper, you could turn these SPAM Pilgimages into novels.
We want SPAM!
SPAM the MOVIE!!!
These are the days, my friends. Enjoy them.
I think Chopster is putting off doing someone's taxes!
Awesome.
*swoon*
Perfect!
oh that was ing awesome chopper!
Oh crap! It's tax season??!!
Uh....I'll talk to you guys later........
You guys are awesome! Thanks for letting me share my inSPAMsanity with you all.
Outstanding, Chopper.
Chopper, I just want to give you a big kiss.
Rockin'.
I believe.
Oh, Man! It just keeps getting better every year! SPAM-tastic!!! But wait, what happened to David?
You speak true words, Chopper
I believe.-----------------------------------------------------
Manu: About the "play" my idea wasn't to make a pass to TP, i just wanted to get it again and finish the play, but he came out of nowhere and STOLE it from me!! Can you believe it??
Thanks for sharing it with us.
Holy crap that was funny.
DAMN! Chopper imagination is way off the charts! another vote for SPAM the movie here!
POTY
i still wanna know what happened to david.
-Mars
It's fantastic.
That is just priceless. Chopper's the man!
You have 10 years of back issues of Black Juggs?
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