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Alamodome?
Pretty funny otherwise.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54212
SAN ANTONIOStar Spurs center Tim Duncan has issued a public apology for his "unacceptable, inexcusable behavior" last Saturday night following a preseason loss to the Orlando Magic, saying that frustration and disappointment with his low-scoring, six-rebound performance caused "ten years' worth of unexpressed emotions to burst out of me like like something I don't even know what."
No criminal charges, police reports, or even complaints have been filed against Duncan, who was last seen leaving the Alamodome after giving what reporters are terming "mildly animated" answers to their post-game questions at a "slightly elevated" volume.
"I simply lost control during my post-game comments, and I did not give the press the full half-hour they are en led to," said Duncan, who is on record as calling the Spurs' play during the game "bad," "real bad," "awful," and "very, very bad indeed" several times over the course of the 28 minutes he spent with reporters. "Anyone who knows me knows I never use language like that. I can only ask the city of San Antonio to forgive me for my outburst and give me a second chance."
"I was angry," Duncan added. "I even felt mad. I never want to go through that again."
Duncan claims that, after speaking to reporters, he was filled with a level of emotion that caused his memory to become unclear. However, Duncan is fairly certain that he turned away from reporters after insufficiently thanking them for the interview, walked to the parking lot with unusual briskness, and climbed into his car in a blatantly agitated fashion.
Witnesses' accounts bear out Duncan's version of events, with several onlookers saying Duncan "slammed" the door of his 1992 Buick LeSabre closed before driving off. Spurs guard Tony Parker, whose car was near Duncan's, denied rumors that Duncan was muttering grumpily to himself, but said Duncan did exhale audibly twice while getting his car keys out.
"Looking back on it, I think he was sighing in a frustrated or even exasperated manner," Parker said. "I thought about saying something, but I didn't know what. I'd never seen him like that. Frankly, I was a little scared."
"I should not have driven in that condition," said Duncan, who has implored the children of San Antonio not to emulate his actions or regard them as "cool." "I know better than to operate a motor vehicle while upset or in a highly emotional state of mind, but I did it anyway. I only wish I had exercised the self-restraint to let it go at that."
Traffic cameras tracked Duncan traveling from the Alamodome at up to seven miles per hour over the speed limit, twice driving through yellow lights, to a convenience store near his home, where the store's security cameras show him purchasing highly caffeinated beverages and several unhealthy snacks. A clerk at the store says Duncan consumed three of the soft drinks in his car while listening to barely audible music on his car's radio before driving off several minutes later.
Duncan's mid-'90s four-door sedan was found in the parking lot of his nondescript apartment building Sunday morning, having impacted a tree at what insurance company investigators say was an "extremely low" rate of speed, inflicting almost $140 worth of damage to the car during what they say seems to be an abortive attempt to park while slightly jittery from an excess of mild sugar stimulants.
"I do not wish to discuss that at this time," Duncan said. "I'm just glad no one was hurt while I was experimenting with Coke, or Pepsi, or root beer, or whatever it was. I just remember going into my apartment, turning on the television, unblocking Showtime, and calling up a few girls from church to say ' o' and 'how are you doing.' Frankly I'm mortified, and in light of my actions, I wouldn't blame them for being cross with me in return. I was brought up to respect women, not to place telephone calls to them at what might possibly be well past their bedtimes."
Duncan recalls nothing else until 9:30 the next morning, when he woke up two hours late, unshaven, and dressed in unusually brightly colored clothing. Duncan immediately contacted the police, and was relieved to find he had in fact broken no laws.
Duncan has assigned himself 120 hours of community service working in hospitals, neighborhood improvement projects, and on highway-beautification crews for his "reckless endangerment" of the people of San Antonio.
"I promise you," the dry-eyed Duncan said in an unusually well-modulated voice, "you will never see anything like that from me again."
Alamodome?
Pretty funny otherwise.
1992 buick le sabre lmao
A friend just sent me this link - hysterical.
I heard he was so pissed he left a towel on the floor in the locker room... ON THE FLOOR!!!!!
Awesome. A little fact checking might have been nice, but the spirit of it was dead on.
Lame.
I think it would be funnier if they actually had him blowing up like Ron Artest on a month long bender.
I like the picture of the car in the article. Good laugh.
I disagree. That would be what everybody would think a satirical article about Tim's emotions would be like.
Great funny read.
It was a little funny.
I don't mind that they thought the Spurs play in the Alamodome. But who the would believe Duncan lives in an apartment?
I kind of read it as a theme of absolutely no-frills with Tim. Who would believe Tim drove a '92 LeSabre?It was a little funny.
I don't mind that they thought the Spurs play in the Alamodome. But who the would believe Duncan lives in an apartment?
Yeah I got that. But the apartment put it over the edge. Either way, I didn't think it was very funny. Though, I never think much is funny from the Onion.
Wha---?
You have to remember Kori is a Republican.
The cheap car and apartment were germane to the theme, as well as the part about him calling up girls from church. But they still could have gotten the stadium right.
Not for much longer. Haven't you heard??You have to remember Kori is a Republican.
http://spurstalk.com/forums/showpost...83&postcount=2
Kori seems too nice to be a Republican. timvp makes sense though.
Aggggggh! You just made me read a post in the Political Forum.
That's being kind.
Kori reading the article:
"The Onion" . . . yawn
"Alamodome" . . . idiots
" . . . mildly animated" . . . *slight chuckle*
" . . . 1992 Buick LeSabre . . . " *hee-hee*
" . . . unhealthy snacks" eh . . .
" . . . unblocking Showtime"
" . . . nondescript apartment building . . . " wha? WTF? UNACCEPTABLE!
^^ exactly
the preseason thing and the alamodome comment killed the story instantly.
not to mention that it came from theonionsorta like hoopsworld. hehe
It made me giggle.
I thought it was pretty funny, but The Onion's sports-related articles are never as good as the rest of their material.
BOOOO creepy foot docta! HOOORAY BEER!
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